I’m pleased to report that Congo Maisie is not as racist as I had feared. Make no mistake; it’s still racist as fuck, presenting every African with whom the white characters interact as a pidgin-speaking stereotype, universally superstitious and fearful of local witch doctors, and very quick to both bow and scrape. Even the film’s only noteworthy highlight—the finale in which Maisie puts on a performance for the attacking natives to convince them that she’s more powerful than the witch doctors—is still infantilizing and insulting. It’s deeply unpleasant, but at least we don’t hear our hero use any slurs (other than, of course, the ubiquitous use of “boy” to refer to grown men).
When we last saw Maisie, she had just received the happy news that the late Mr. Ames had left his fortune, including the Bar-O Ranch, to her, and she planned to run it with her newfound love interest Slim. Despite this, when we catch up with her in Congo Maisie, all indication that this was where we left her has vanished. She’s once again a showgirl on the lookout for the next big opportunity, which is what has brought her to Africa in the first place. She runs out on her hotel bill in (fictional) Kurmala, West Africa, and stows away on a riverboat that she believes is bound for Lagos, where her next engagement is, but turns out to be headed elsewhere. She’s discovered hiding in one of the cabins by Dr. Michael Shane (New Orleans native John Carroll), the foul-tempered manager of a rubber plantation. He’s journeying up the river to his place, but when the boiler on the boat overheats and explodes, all passengers are put ashore. Shane was previously the physician in residence at a different colonial plantation that’s nearby, and he and Maisie make the trek to it in order to find a place to stay until the boat can be repaired.
The new plantation hospital doctor, McWade (Shepperd Strudwick) and his wife Kay (Rita Johnson), welcome them, and the cracks in their relationship are evident immediately. Kay is lonely and misses home, friends, and family, while Dr. McWade’s devotion to researching a cure for sleeping sickness drives him to work for long hours, and his own health is worsening as a result. Shane’s reunion with a local with whom he had become friends is marred by the revelation that the man’s son is very sick and he is afraid to bring him to McWade for fear of reprisals against his family from the local witch doctors, who act as the villains of the film who stir up fear and discontent against McWade, Shane, and the other settlers, who are our protagonists. Somehow, in all of this, Shane also finds the time to try and woo Kay, and she’s a receptive party given her isolation from familiar people or sights. Maisie, perhaps having learned something from Sybil Ames in Maisie, then allows Kay to witness as she herself flirts with Shane, who has no loyalty to anyone. In the final act, the locals, at the behest of the witch doctors, arrive at the plantation hospital mere minutes after Shane has completed successfully removing McWade’s appendix with Maisie acting as nurse and begin trying to tear the place to the ground. Maisie, thinking fast, dons one of the costumes from her act and does some stage magic, stalling long enough for an inbound thunderstorm to break and for rain to fall so that she can pretend that this was her doing, and turn the locals back on the witch doctors.
The only reason any of this works is because of Ann Sothern’s performance as Maisie. Even when the movie itself is grossly colonialist and imperial, Maisie herself remains an undaunted, lovable figure. This is based on a totally unrelated book entitled Congo Landing, which I’ve been able to find very little information about other than a contemporary NYT book blurb that names the main character as Dolly, and describes her thus: “Her savoir faire is undisturbed by the deadly tropical heat, the pestiferous mosquitos, or the explosion of the boiler on the rotten little Congo River boat. Under a hardboiled exterior she has really a heart of gold and a shrewd, intelligent mind.” That also describes Maisie, and it’s clear why someone reading Congo Landing might see this as a perfect vehicle to quickly develop into a sequel to Maisie, with Congo Maisie appearing on screens a mere seven months after the character debuted in the previous film. There’s only a singular rating of the novel on GoodReads, although there are a few very low star ratings for Das Haus am Kongo, which appears to be the German translation; the one review for Das Haus cites that the reader “found the casual racism referring to all of the [B]lack characters unbearable.” I imagine it probably is worse in the book, but that doesn’t make this film any good. Utterly unworth preservation.
Back in my college days, the go-to TV series to get stoned & zone out to was the BBC’s Planet Earth, a soothing nature doc series shot in then-astonishing HD clarity. I couldn’t afford cable back then, though, so I only caught snippets of it while drifting through friends’ & strangers’ living rooms, occasionally mesmerized by a glimpse of the Northern Lights or an insect-destroying fungus before moving on to the next mindless activity. My own personal Planet Earth back then was a much-rented DVD stocked at the off-campus Blockbuster, a 2005 French documentary titled Genesis. In it, an African mystic stirs a bucket of water to create a small whirlpool, which he then uses to explain the history of the planet and the evolution of all the life it hosts. Much like David Attenborough’s dry script-reads in Planet Earth, the narration never stops, with the mystic constantly explaining the subsequent nature footage that illustrates the evolution of Earth life in astonishingly gorgeous close-up photography. Genesis is a little hokey, but it’s less than 80 minutes long (as opposed to Planet Earth‘s 500+), and it gets the job done. As I’ve since come to learn, it’s also always functioned as a bargain-bin alternative to a superior work, even though it predates Planet Earth by a couple years. Long before they made Genesis, directors Claude Nuridsany & Marie Pérennou had scored major acclaim with their 1996 masterwork Microcosmos, which offers an up-close, Planet Earth-style profile of insect life never before seen in such beautiful cinematic detail. Genesis is the watered-down version of their earlier success, which makes it a pity that’s the one I had access to on the nearest video store shelf.
The key to Microcosmos‘s success as a monumental work of art rather than a standard-issue nature doc is its almost complete lack of narration. While Genesis overexplains in metaphor and Planet Earth instructs in classroom lecture, Microcosmos includes only a small touch of narration to get the audience thinking about how insects, snails, and other miniature creatures live small lives that we rarely take the time to observe. Even those couple paragraphs of narration feel a little redundant, given that its opening theme song already explains it perfectly in a child’s falsetto, instructing “Look at your feet/this funny world/full of insane small creatures/and listen to/this buzzing chord/who keenly spreads such strange murmurs/The sound’s buzzing, swarming, sliding beetles, snails, and ladybirds.” Besides functioning as a presciently pitch-perfect parody of Björk’s career to come, that tune encapsulates the entire project in just a few simple words. Gazing at Microcomsos means pausing your busy brain to observe a world smaller than yours, the one just below your feet — where the bugs live. Nuridsany & Pérennou worked with state-of-the-art microscopic cameras to immerse their audience in that world, shrinking our moment-to-moment concerns down to the insectoid impulses to feed, breed, and shelter. It’s not a mode of observation & wonderment that can be explained in narration; it’s a practice that the movie teaches you by forcibly diverting your attention to the smallest things in life. I also have to assume that its lessons’ most accomplished students are 20-year-old stoners who’d rather focus on just about anything other than their actual homework, the same as with Genesis & Planet Earth one decade later.
The cast of Microcosmos is large & varied. You’ve got all of your classic microspecies here: your ants, your spiders, your ladybugs, your tadpoles, your moths, your butterflies. And then you’ve got a never-ending supply of esoteric creepy crawlies I couldn’t even begin to identify, as if they were found under a rock on an alien planet instead of the one we occupy. Even more mysterious is the moment-to-moment actions of these micro creatures, which Nuridsany & Pérennou playfully assign meaning through cheeky music & editing choices. It’s easy to read into insects’ intention & emotions while they’re mating, hunting, and organizing in groups, but when those acts all inevitably lead to no specified goal or result, the audience snaps out of the trance and remembers, oh yeah, they’re bugs. We’ll often watch the up-close struggles of a frog being pummeled with rain drops, a dung beetle struggling to push its self-assigned Sisyphean bolder, or a group of caterpillars lining up in military formation. We get emotionally involved in their toils, only for the edit to then switch to a wide shot that contextualizes these epic battles as the meaningless busywork of insects who have no idea what they’re doing or what’s happening around them. It’s an effect that says just as much about the manipulative nature of filmic storytelling as it does about the minute-to-minute meaninglessness of our own upscaled human lives. Nothing you’re working on right now matters all that much in the bigger picture of things, so you might as well take some time out of your day to look at some cool bugs doing cool bug shit. There’s a whole world down there, and it can be just as breathtakingly beautiful (snails having sex) as it is hilariously pitiful (ladybugs having sex).
Microcosmos recently screened at The Broad as part of their weekly Gap Tooth repertory series, with a fully engaged audience making their own audible insectoid rustlings in reaction to every microstruggle depicted onscreen. After a clueless dung beetle spent minutes freeing its little bolder from an errant stick in the mud, the room burst into spontaneous applause. Personally, I only spent half the screening marveling at the majesty of nature’s smallest wonders; I spent the other half thinking about how every species of insect deserves to be blown up to kaiju scale in its own standalone creature feature, an experience the packed house was already gifting to the latecomers in the front row. Access to such a beautiful communal event in my own neighborhood was also a blessing in its own way. It’s funny how access can affect your relationship with cinema. What we’re able to see can be severely limited by cable subscriptions, video store libraries, and geographic proximity, like how I spent repeated nights watching Genesis while most of my friends were watching Planet Earth and we all should have been watching Microcosmos.
For this lagniappe episode of The Swampflix Podcast, Boomer & Brandon discuss the psychotronic ’70s oddity The Kirlian Witness, a murder mystery in which the only witness to the crime is an ordinary house plant.
I only saw The Devil Wears Prada once, in theaters during its original theatrical run. I didn’t care too much for it at the time. I was a teenager who was working two jobs while going to college, struggling financially and at the peak of my indie pretension, and I found the film to be both too mainstream and too propagandistic to really be enjoyable. This was still two years before the 2008 financial crisis hit, a cultural disruption that changed a lot about the way that people engaged with the lifestyles of the rich and famous. Hit reality series like MTV Cribs and My Super Sweet 16, which trafficked in both envy of the wealthy and derision for their excesses, were both quietly scuttled by 2010 (although new seasons went into production for both in 2021 and 2016, respectively). At nineteen, I was already struggling too hard in my own life to find the world of couture fashion to be escapist fantasy. When Miranda Priestly (Meryl Streep) gives her memetic “cerulean sweater” dressing down to Andy Sachs (Anne Hathaway) about how she sees herself as being outside of, uninfluenced by, and dismissively “above” the world of fashion, she may as well have been speaking directly to me. I, admittedly immaturely, saw the 2006 film as a movie about a woman with high career aspirations who is brainwashed into giving an industry that is predicated on wealthy elitism a pass. Further, I was still impressionable enough that the film’s rampant body-shaming was both distasteful and had a negative lasting impact on me personally. (Also, I just hate KT Tunstall’s “Suddenly I See.”)
In the years since, the original film’s finer moments have become Mean Girls-scale internet background radiation in the form of Miranda Priestly girlboss gifsets, “Are you wearing the?”/”The [x]? Yes I am” memes, and “Adrian Grenier is the real villain” thinkpieces. The Devil Wears Prada is a film that’s, if you’ll excuse the pun, tailor-made to be chopped into pieces for fancams of Miranda Priestly, and the predominance of vertical/portrait video means that we perpetual scrollers never have to miss whatever outfit she’s wearing at the time. The less memorable elements, like the fact that Andy’s in a love triangle between Entourage, and The Mentalist, aren’t what people think about when the film’s title comes up in conversation or online. Now, twenty years later, we’re back with another entry in what Brandon likes to call the “should have been a Super Bowl commercial” genre, a legacy sequel that for most people will simply be a nice nostalgic ride but for others will be a piece of art that is forever responsible for justifying its existence. I was surprisingly on board for Freakier Friday, so why not?
On the same night that Miranda Priestly is hosting the similar-to-but-legally-distinct-from (henceforth STBLDF) Met Gala, Andy Sachs is present at a journalistic awards ceremony. Andy and her entire team from the New York Vanguard are laid off via text message in the same moment that her win is announced, and she ascends the dais to express both her gratitude and her frustration at the ongoing one-percenter-led gutting of journalism as both a career and a necessary pillar that supports a theoretically free society. Miranda also finds herself in crisis mode when the reputation of Runway, the STBLDF-Vogue that she oversees, is endangered by an exposé that shows the magazine’s negligence in regards to an article about a supposed ethical manufacturer that secretly runs sweatshops. The CEO of STBLDF-Condé Nast puts his plans to move Miranda into a global editorial role on hold and hires Miranda as the new Features editor at Runway, which brings Miranda and Andy back together again. The latter is also reunited with Nigel (Stanley Tucci), still serving as Miranda’s right hand, and Emily (Emily Blunt), who has moved out of publishing and into luxury retail with Dior, which makes up a healthy chunk of Runway’s advertising and thus gives her the chance to play hardball with Miranda following the “fast fash”(ion) debacle.
The set-up here is pretty solid. Even though Miranda still reigns over her office like she did decades previously, changes in expectations about workplace behavior mean that she doesn’t have the liberty to throw her coats at her assistants as she once did, and her current assistant Amari (Simone Ashley)’s job seems to entail no small amount of reining in Miranda’s déclassé sentiments about body positivity and trivial references to killing herself. Although she still commands respect, it’s only a matter of time before the elderly STBLDF-Condé Nast CEO hands the reins over to his mouth-breathing, athleisure-sporting, wannabe-disruptor idiot son (BJ Novak). The film also gets in on 2025’s general abuse of STBLDF-Elon Musk archetypes, with a little bit of Bill Gates thrown in for good measure. Justin Theroux plays Benji Barnes, a tech billionaire who’s unbelievably unfunny and out of touch, who, instead of aspiring to colonize Mars, instead wants to look into the potential of exploring the sun. Lucy Liu plays Sasha, his Melinda Gates-esque ex-wife, who supported him initially while he “tinkered around with code,” and is now unconscionably wealthy and hopes to give away her entire fortune before her death. When Andy’s dogged persistence nets her an interview with the infamously reclusive Sasha, one that results in an exclusive on the announcement of her new engagement, it solidifies her value to Runway, but their attempts to save the magazine (and, by extension, journalism as a whole) may all be in vain.
The Devil Wears Prada 2 smartly decides to be about something, in a way that actually justifies going back to this well twenty years later. This is a film about the death of journalism, and it manages to be smartly trenchant for a lot of its runtime before fizzling a bit with an ending that’s both too pat and too happy while also kind of missing the point of this entire enterprise. When Andy returns to Runway, Nigel is candid with her about the publication’s deteriorating state, citing that features which would once have been budgeted as a month long international trip now only cover a couple of afternoons at a nearby studio. The magazine chugs along, but the physical copies that appear in newsstands have been whittled down to the point that Nigel jokes it could be used as dental floss. The changing social media landscape means that Andy’s writing isn’t connecting with an audience; her features are incisive and informative, but no one seems to actually be clicking through and reading them. Even something that Andy once dismissed as utterly frivolous is now another barometer for the end of the Fourth Estate as a whole, an old world dying while a new one struggles to be born.
The film manifests the discussion of the death of culture and whatever is to follow it in the world to come in the form of Andy’s token love interest, Peter (Patrick Brammall), a contractor who has recently converted a classic New York architectural beauty into apartments painted millennial grey and furnished with faux-MCM Wayfair purchases. Peter makes the argument that, if he hadn’t done so, the building would have been torn down completely and something modern would have been built in its place, and in some way he’s managing to hold onto the old form while making it into something new. It’s a little on-the-nose as a metaphor, and the film wobbles on whether he’s right or not. He’s pretty thinly characterized, overall, and seems to exist solely to fulfill the need for a romance that the film wouldn’t suffer for lacking if it were excised. Ultimately, the film comes down to a message of “it’s okay if a billionaire owns a media monopoly, as long as it’s the right billionaire, preferably a girlboss who leans in.” I could see that this was where the film was going as it headed into the final act, but I was still a little shocked that this was where all of the rigmarole about integrity and personal growth led us. At the end of the day, this film is still a corporate product that is being seen at for-profit megaplexes, and it was never going to be able to imagine a conclusion where all of this was resolved by anything other than appealing to someone with deeper pockets. This is a film about fashion as journalism, but one of the key differences between those things is that journalism, despite often being driven by capital, is not inherently so, and as such it’s difficult to imagine any solution to the characters’ problems that isn’t the one that the screenwriters came up with. That’s not my job, though; it was theirs.
I’m coming down pretty hard on a movie that I mostly enjoyed. I appreciated that Hathaway’s love interest was played by an actor who was handsome in a very normal way, not someone with a chiseled jawline and perfect facial symmetry, but I also found my mind wandering the most during their romantic scenes. They feel rather rote, all things considered, and at two hours, the comedy isn’t quite sufficient to really carry the film all the way to the finish line. It gets sentimental but never goes maudlin, and I was sufficiently invested for the entire runtime. It’s worth noting that every single trailer before this one was advertising a legacy sequel: the new Scary Movie, Focker-in-Law, Practical Magic 2, the live-action Moana, and, of course, the omnipresent Mandalorian and Grogu. (There was also a DWP2-themed Loreal ad with Kiran Soni and the Pepsi copaganda Jenner.) With that as an appetizer, I was primed and ready for a narrative about the death of commercial art and the strangling weed of capitalism. Other than DWP2 itself, none of these films feel like they were made with any artistic intent, or with a particular story to tell that justifies its existence the way that DWP2 does, with the possible exception of Scary Movie, a parody franchise which has lain fallow for long enough that there’s a wealth of new material for it to satirize. What all of these titles offer is the chance to take a second walk through a familiar world, and DWP2 succeeds with this in a way that doesn’t feel like it exists solely as a corporate product. It’s funny, if not quite funny enough, and it’s a little broader in its comedy than its predecessor, but it’s worth a watch. It falls short of being as worthwhile as Creed, Doctor Sleep, or Freakier Friday, but it doesn’t deserve to be sorted into the same dustbin as The Craft: Legacy and Hocus Pocus 2.
They say all pornography, no matter how scripted, is partially documentary. You’ll find the phoniest characters, dialogue, and scenarios cinema has to offer in porno, and yet the physical sexual contact between performers is more real than all other cinematic action — unstimulated, often documented by the camera in medical detail. It’s easy to look back to vintage titles of the Porno Chic era and retroactively impose anthropological meaning on them, citing them as a document of a bygone era, since their unpermitted street shoots and nonexistent costume budgets often captured the people of the time as they were in daily life. Pornography is also immediately documentary, though, caught between the extremes of both staged cinematic fantasy and the documented reality of the performers within that fantasy. This is not a new observation. One of Porno Chic’s earliest auteurs was playing around with the tension between those extremes a half-century ago, coining the term “docufantasy” to describe his chosen artform’s dual, self-conflicting nature. Wakefield Poole’s 1977 “docufantasy” Take One opens by warning the audience that trying to parse out what’s fiction and what’s reality is a fool’s errand, announcing, “For your enjoyment, do not try to understand this film: there is nothing to understand. It is only real people doing reel things and making them real together.” That distinction between the “real” and the “reel” sums it all up more concisely than I ever could.
Take One finds Wakefield Poole on the opposite coast than his crown jewel Bijou, now docu-fantasizing about the gay men in 1970s San Francisco. In an early precursor to Beth B’s reality-TV prototype Visiting Desire, Poole invites eight men from the local scene to confess their fantasies in videotaped interviews, then act them out in front of 16mm cameras. Unlike in Visiting Desire, this experiment reliably results in onscreen fucking, with each performer given a spotlight fantasy sequence before they all gather for a climactic orgy in the theater where the movie they’re participating in premieres mid-runtime. Some fantasies are more abstract than others, such as an early sequence where a young man gets so revved up thinking about his muscle car that he finds a way to passionately penetrate its hood ornament, à la Julia Ducournau’s Titane or Kenneth Anger’s Kustom Kar Kommandos. In another, a domestic couple has semi-public sex on the sunny roof of their isolated desert home, leaning heavily into the soft psychedelia of the film’s post-hippie era. The most shocking sequence is the one in which two real-life brothers have sex on camera, fulfilling an incest fantasy most pornos only playfully hint at to capitalize on a convenient taboo. Here, the siblings’ lovemaking is warmly tender to an almost disconcerting degree, as if the audience has been invited to witness an intimate moment that no one outside their unusual relationship was ever meant to see. That sequence is more “real” than it is “reel,” alarmingly so.
If Take One falls short on either side of the real/reel divide, it’s in the supposedly documentary interview sequences that justify their resulting fantasies. For the most part, the initial video interviews that inspired the film aren’t incorporated into the final cut and are instead restaged and scripted in a more traditional pornographic narrative style. So, like Bijou, the film is at its best when it goes full fantasy mode, staging the abstract sex acts inspired by those interviews in an endless black void. The best scenes in the film are pure jack-off material, with men narrating their fantasies to the audience while masturbating in a featureless room decorated only with slideshow projections of momentary illustrations, as described in their horned-up ramblings. It’s a surprisingly poetic approach to pornography that’s introduced as soon as the opening scene, wherein a nude ballet dancer performs a full routine for the audience after emerging from the silver screen like a cryptid hatching from an egg. That poetic approach to the genre is later echoed in Poole’s liberal use of color gels, as he bathes his performers in fantastic colored lights that untether them from this earthly realm. The film’s incidentally documentary glimpses of vintage gay San Francisco are cool & all, but we spend most of the runtime indoors, so Poole is smart to attempt to document their internal lives instead. We learn about them by finding out what gets them off.
Because this project is so dependent on Wakefield Poole’s distinctions between the “real” and the “reel,” the filmmaker himself inevitably becomes part of the story. Take One is a meta-porno, including footage of Poole & crew recruiting performers, conducting interviews, operating cameras, and exhibiting film prints between the purer sensory immersions of the full-on fantasy sequences. The reality of the movie being made & projected in-film fully breaks down by the mid-premiere orgy sequence, which gets so out of control that even the projectionist gets in on the action, receiving a surprise blowjob in his hermetic booth above the fray. Having already fulfilled all of his obligations as a documentarian and a pornographer, Poole fully lets loose in that sequence, playing around with as many color gels and camera angles he can afford to shoot while his performers shoot all over each other. He becomes especially enamored with repurposing a glory hole as a peephole in that sequence, viewing the action from a self-imposed distance on the other side of a faux patrician. For all of the semi-documentary elements that make Take One interesting as a consciously academic object from porno’s distant past, it’s still most useful and most remarkable when it drops the bullshit and gets down to the task at hand: filming unstimulated sex acts in the most aesthetically pleasing light possible. Poole didn’t need to go out of his way to stage a “docufantasy”; that’s already the business he was working in.
Radley Metzger’s late-60s romance Camille 2000 slips through the cracks of most marketable genre definitions. Its title suggests a Swingin’ 60s sci-fi futurism, but its story is set in contemporary Rome; the only thing futuristic about it is its see-through inflatable furniture. Its fashionable Italian production design and scene-to-scene dramatic sensibilities recall the post-Hitchcock stylings of a giallo, but there’s no murder nor mystery to be found in its plot. Its director’s reputation as an unusually stylish hardcore pornographer sets the mood for lewd on-screen sex, but its historical timing as pre-Deep Throat erotica means it can only deliver softcore posing of nude bodies, with no genital contact nor thrusting. So, what exactly is a sci-fi title without science fiction, a giallo without murder, a porno without penetration? Like with many artsy Euro dramas, it’s all just a vibe. In this case, the vibe happens to be a Pierre Cardin magazine layout inspired by Valley of the Dolls. Adjust your expectations accordingly.
The titular Camille is a wealthy Roman socialite who’s living a dangerously fast life of pure, high-fashion hedonism. She spends her careless days drunk & stoned, shopping for dresses, and party-hopping from orgy to opera to orgy. The only thing she needs to do to sustain this fabulous lifestyle is to marry rich, an obligation that stresses her out as she half-heartedly attempts to placate an aging sugar-daddy fiancée while continually humping the more age-appropriate fuckboys whom she actually desires. She warns the latest fuckboy not to fall in love with her, since that life-dependent need to marry rich will certainly break his heart in the long run, but the young Frenchman can’t help but fall for her anyway. He swears that even if he sleeps with 2,000 other women, he still won’t be able to get over her (thus the futuristic-sounding title). He copes by draining his modest bank account trying to keep her clothed and happy until she can’t help but move on and officially marry, securing her place in life. She copes by popping pills in-between her nonstop parade of orgiastic cocktail parties, too numb to feel the full brunt of her burgeoning love for the dolt. Their toxic dynamic inevitably leaves him drunk and her dead. It takes 131 long minutes to arrive at that predetermined destination, like a train that takes lengthy breaks at every station.
Camille 2000 is not a movie you watch for its drama or its action; you watch it for its production design. Its social conflicts and stoney-baloney fuck sessions are frustratingly inert, but they’re at least staged inside an Italo fashion magazine layout, where it’s appropriate to wear see-through swimsuits to an afternoon cocktail party and no bedroom is complete without at least a dozen strategically angled mirrors. It’s less actual pornography than it is lifestyle pornography, inviting the audience to hang out with emptyheaded European socialites whose only immediate concern in life is finding the chicest place to smoke their dope and get their rocks off. Metzger can’t go full-hardcore here the way he does in later, more famous pictures like The Opening of Misty Beethoven, but he has plenty of opportunity to leer & drool over his actors’ carefully arranged nude bodies. In the most stylish scene, Camille is being eaten out by her favorite Frenchman in the background while a vase of camelias is framed close-up in the foreground, with Metzger’s lens alternating focus between the two displays to the rhythm of her orgasmic breaths. Like everything else in the picture, it’s gorgeous, it’s indulgent, and it lasts for several more minutes than you expect it to, so it’s best not to be in a rush to get off and get over to the next swanky locale.
Roger Ebert wrote a 1-star review of Camille 2000 for the Chicago Sun-Times, frustrated by the excess of mirrored nude modeling and the total lack of actual phonographic thrusting. That review was published in October of 1969, and I am dying to know if that was before or after Ebert wrote the screenplay for Russ Meyers’s Beyond the Valley of the Dolls that same year. Beyond the Valley of the Dolls resembles Camille 2000 in its garish look and its erotic sensibilities far more closely than it recalls the original Valley of the Dolls it was supposedly a sequel to, almost to the point where it feels like a direct parody of Metzger’s film. Camille even has a gay fashionista bestie that stands in as the film’s very own Z-Man, whom I fully expected to transform into Superwoman during the film’s climactic, prison-themed S&M orgy. I must admit that a large part of my enjoyment of Camille 2000 is in its resemblance to Russ Meyer’s much crasser, much more exciting follow-up, since it was a joy to spend more time luxuriating in mise-en-scène that so closely recalled one of my all-time favorite films. Meanwhile, Ebert would’ve been confronted with it as a routine work assignment that tested his patience & forgiveness as its drama refused to progress and its nude models refused to hump. All I can say is that all movies become more interesting with time, which tends to flatten their differences and accentuate their shared value as cultural snapshots of a bygone era.
Last year, after watching The Blue Gardenia and being particularly taken with Ann Sothern in it, I looked her up and discovered that, over the course of eight years, she had starred in ten(!) films as a character named Maisie Ravier, a misadventuring showgirl. Those ten films are largely forgotten now, but I found all of them on Russia’s YouTube equivalent as uploaded VHS rips from Turner Classic Movies airings, and I dutifully archived them for this year with the intent of watching them all and writing about them for something I intended to call “Maisie May.” Then, almost halfway through this month, as a result of working on a fiction project, I realized I had spent almost half of May in writing mode instead of movie mode. Will I be able to finish all ten Maisie films before the end of the month? Let’s find out together.
The film opens as Maisie (Sothern) arrives in Big Horn, Wyoming to discover that the stage show for which she left New York has folded after a single performance. With only a nickel to her name, she convinces a carny to let her work the shooting gallery, which sets up her meet cute with “Slim” Martin (Robert Young, a few years after his appearance in Hitchcock’s Secret Agent), the manager of Bar-O Ranch. When his wallet gets lifted, Maisie ends up arrested for the theft, and although she’s cleared of the charges, she stows away in the back of his pick-up truck to avoid being arrested again for vagrancy should she remain in town. Slim is less than enthused to discover this, but allows her to stay overnight with the intention of sending her off on the train the next morning, as one of the ranch hands is already going into town to pick up the ranch’s owner, Cliff Ames, and his wife Sybil (Ruth Hussey), whom he has spirited away from New York to put some distance between her and the man with whom she’s been carrying on an affair. Maisie again latches on to an opportunity and presents herself as a maid that Slim has hired for Sybil for the summer. She comes clean to Mr. Ames once they get back to the ranch, who is impressed with her gumption and allows her to stay.
Sybil asks Slim to show her where the “old ranch house” is, and she latches onto it immediately as a place where she can have her lover come and meet her discreetly. Maisie also manages to break through Slim’s resistance and learn that his unfriendliness is the result of previous heartbreak; the two start to fall in love. One day, while touring the ranch in his car with Maisie, Mr. Ames gets into an accident and his arm is pinned in the overturned car. Maisie, believing that she will find Slim and the other ranch hands at the old ranch house because they are on a cattle drive, and instead finds Sybil in flagrante delicto with her lover. Once Mr. Ames is safely back at the ranch, Maisie gives Sybil a dressing down about her behavior and her treatment of her loving husband, and Sybil is able to manipulate her words in conversation with Slim to convince the ranchman that Maisie has spent the summer trying to lure Mr. Ames away. Slim sends Maisie away, and shortly thereafter, Mr. Ames sends a letter to his lawyers in New York and then kills himself. Unfortunately, as Slim discovers the body first and is found standing over the body with the gun Ames used, he is arrested for murder. When Maisie learns of this, she must make her way to the trial to try and save him.
This is a fun enough little seventy-five minute romp, and it practically breezes by. It’s also a bit of a genre-bender, as it starts out as a contemporary Western romcom before the dark twist of Mr. Ames’s suicide and a final act that turns into a courtroom drama. It’s also fairly unconventional in the sense that it plays with certain character stereotypes. Maisie’s a big city showgirl, so one expects there to be some kind of culture clash between her and the simpler Wyoming ranch hands and their employer, but instead of her being brassy and bossy, it’s instead she who is almost immediately taken advantage of by the podunks and conmen of the west, although she manages to turn things around for herself by conning her way into a job at Bar-O Ranch. Once that development occurs, one then expects that there’s going to be some comic hijinks about her not being suited for rural living, but she actually adjusts fairly quickly and does quite well for herself, coming to be adored by both Mr. Ames and Slim’s right hand man, Shorty (musician Cliff Edwards, who would be immortalized the following year as the voice of Jiminy Cricket in Disney’s Pinocchio). The conflicts aren’t at all what one would expect, and I appreciated that I never really knew where the plot was going to go next, even if the stakes are relatively low throughout, at least until Slim’s trial.
As a movie of a bygone era, it has its detriments, most notably in its casual racism. Even our beloved hero refers to a Black train porter as “boy,” and there’s occasional fun being had at the expense of ranch cook Lee, who is referred to more than once as “the China boy.” It’s a relief that he’s played by an actual Chinese-American actor, Willie Fung, rather than a white actor in yellowface, but he’s also played as a “humorous” stereotype; it’s a mercy that his scenes are few and brief. This was, unfortunately, the exact role that Fung was often funneled into during this more (overtly and openly) racist period in Hollywood history. He has seven films in his 120+ feature filmography where he’s an uncredited “Chinese Cook,” six as “Chinese Waiter,” then “Chinese Bartender,” “Chinese Tailor,” “Chinese Laundryman,” and so on. It’s an unfortunate legacy for a man who came to the U.S. following the collapse of his uncle’s peanut business and made a name for himself as the owner and operator of East Hollywood’s New Moon Café in addition to appearing in 125 films.
There is already trouble on the horizon for Maisie May. The very next film starring Sothern in one of her defining roles is the 1940 picture Congo Maisie, which from the title alone I expect is likely to be unconscionably racist (although I’ll eat crow if Maisie ends up communicating with a mountain gorilla). The synopsis for that one includes both mentions of a rubber plantation and Maisie having to save it from a “native attack.” This could be so awful it derails the entire thing. Stay tuned to find out.
“Why is Earth such a hard place to live?” That’s the question at the core of the greater Godzilla filmography, in which the King of the Monsters is episodically attacked by lesser kaiju that individually represent Earth-life’s many challenges: war, pollution, overfishing, techno modernization, etc. It’s also a question directly asked in the opening-credits theme song to the kaiju monster-mash picture All Monsters Attack (1969), which is essentially a clip show featuring highlights from those metaphorical battles. While previews of those clips flash and freeze as title cards, the song “Monster March” tosses out a few sing-along catchphrases like “Wham! Bang! Crash!” and “Go-go-Godzilla!” to invite the children in the audience to join in on the fun. All Monsters Attack is, undeniably, kiddie stuff. Just in case its target audience is a little too young to have caught onto the kaiju-as-metaphor themes of the greater Godzilla project, the song goes on to spell it out, accompanying images of an industrialized, overcrowded Tokyo with the lyrics, “Megaton smog and exhaust fumes […] are the real monsters!” So, it’s a little surprising, then, that the story that follows such a direct opening statement isn’t about modern urban pollution at all, despite the proto-Hedorah themes suggested by those images & lyrics. Instead, All Monsters Attack is about how Earth is a hard place to live for children in particular, whose only reprieve from the planet’s cruelties is to keep watching Godzilla movies.
Our hero is a young, lonely latchkey kid, left unsupervised for hours on end while his mother works hard to pay the rent. He’s bullied daily by other kids in his industrial neighborhood, a routine that escalates when he stumbles into the lives of two adult bank-robbers who happen to choose his private hiding spot for their own and bully him even harder. Without the familial love & attention and the personal resilience he needs to survive modern urbanity, the poor little tyke only has one coping mechanism that makes his life worth living: dreaming about Godzilla. Whenever life gets too tough to handle, he rushes to a homemade computer that hypnotizes him into dreaming he’s on Monster Island, where he makes fast friends with Godzilla’s useless, hideous son, Minilla. The two interspecies buddies mostly just watch recycled footage of previous Godzilla battles from the sidelines, cheering their favorite monster on as he beats up Ebirah, Anguirus, and The Kamacuras, among other skyscraper creatures. A brand-new monster then enters the picture in form of Gabara, the kaiju equivalent of the bullies that our hero has been avoiding fighting back against in real life. While Minilla learns the confidence to fight his own battles without Godzilla’s help against the obnoxious Gabara in the dreamworld, his new human bestie does the same in the real world, even though he’d rather be napping and dreaming of his favorite Godzilla clips. If it weren’t for all the rubber-suited wrestling matches and the aggressively swanky jazz soundtrack keeping the mood lively, it would be a sad little story about the world’s loneliest boy.
The title All Monsters Attack promises a repeat sequel to the battle-royale kaiju showcase of Destroy All Monsters, so it’s kind of a letdown that so much of its monster action is recycled from previous Godzilla outings. That disappointment is then compounded by the dorky, unintimidating design of the bully Gabara, who looks like a geriatric housecat with an elongated neck and a Donald Trump wig. Still, I found myself charmed by the psychic space it affords Monster Island as an escapist fantasy for young Godzilla fans. The idea of astral projecting yourself all the way there just to hang out with Minilla, of all monsters, is a hilarious indignity. Here, the laughably ugly little thing has somehow mastered human speech but still brays like a donkey when he gets nervous, which happens a lot as he’s mercilessly bullied by Gabara. Our hero seems fond of the pitiful mutant, though, which is sweet, even if it’s an indication of why he’s the kind of nerd who might get bullied around the schoolyard. It’s easy to imagine kids his age enjoying All Monsters Attack in the sequences where it turns into a clip show of Godzilla’s greatest hits (or, more accurately, his then-recent hits), so I can’t fault the movie too much for playing directly to that age group’s corny sensibilities. The worst I can say about it is that it has since been made obsolete by the invention of home video & YouTube, which would allow children to rewatch their favorite Godzilla battles without having to suffer through Minilla’s buffoonery or the afterschool special messaging to get there. Being a lonely, unsupervised nerd has never been more fun.
The key to understanding the erotic thriller genre is recognizing that its main objective is not to rehabilitate narrative pornography for mainstream sensibilities, but to update noir for contemporary sensibilities. With only a few outlier exceptions like David Cronenberg’s Crash, most 80s & 90s erotic thrillers play as noir pastiche, now updated with more onscreen nudity than would’ve been allowed in the 40s & 50s. It’s just another wave of scruffy antiheroes getting in over their heads chasing the skirts of femmes fatale, ripping a few cigs and enjoying a few orgasms before their inevitable early demise. That’s why the genre’s swerve into cyberpunk aesthetics as it approached the new millennium is so difficult to fully comprehend. The tech-obsessed noirs of the late 1990s & early 2000s look forward to the genre’s cyberfuture but still speak the cinematic language of the distant past. Take, for instance, Abel Ferrara’s New Rose Hotel: an erotic thriller about corporate espionage, in which a mysterious femme fatale (Asia Argento) dupes & dumps two doomed schemers (Christopher Walken & Willem Dafoe) who don’t recognize her as a threat until it’s too late, distracted by her movie-star hotness. Those dopes trade in corporate secrets, smuggled floppy discs, and long-distance camcorder surveillance tactics that suggest a far-out futurism, but they’re stuck reliving age-old patterns of Noir Hero archetypes from decades before their time.
Ferrara’s digicam noir strains to find old-fashioned elegance & sophistication in aughts-era techno sleaze. It’s neither the worst attempt at that kind of genre update (Swordfish) nor the best (Demonlover), but it is admirably early to the game. Walken & Dafoe’s amoral mercenaries manipulate corporate power structures by fucking with their personnel, helping R&D scientists defect from their violently territorial employers without being assassinated. Their latest target is a genius Japanese scientist they’ve been paid to convince to leave his family & job for another country, to the benefit of his employer’s competitors. It sounds like a confusing—and maybe even boring—way to make a living, but it does prove lucrative, and it affords the men a hedonistic lifestyle in all the international brothels their aging genitals can handle. At night, they are bathed in cherry-red nightclub lighting, swarmed by the chic prostitutes they both partner with & patron. During the day, they navigate monochrome beige boardrooms, scheming uncouth HR actions in a series of walk-and-talks from one skyscraper to another. These two color-coded professional spheres are linked by the voyeuristic digicam footage of their latest, greatest target in montages that look like country-hopping episodes of Cheaters. They’re also livened up by the two reliably entertaining actors, who play goofily bizarre (Walken) & bizarrely sexy (Dafoe) as convincingly as anybody.
It’s Asia Argento’s role as the sex worker recruited to woo this coveted R&D scientist away from his happy life that actually makes New Rose Hotel about something thematically, rather than aesthetically. Dafoe believes he is training his newest, hottest partner in crime to convince a foolish businessman that she loves him, but it turns out she’s already quite skilled at that. Argento is never afforded a juicy gotcha moment where she gloats over Dafoe’s duped husk, having wooed & destroyed him instead of her assigned target. Instead, she disappears halfway into the runtime, leaving him hollowed & heartbroken, confused about what happened. The back half of New Rose Hotel is one long, recursive montage, in which Dafoe’s corporate spy attempts to revisit & recontextualize his most intimate moments with Argento’s trickster vamp. Alone, he can’t decide whether to masturbate to her memory or to kill himself in despair, which just about sums up the femme fatale experience. As a standalone piece of filmmaking, this third-act rewind to previous events of the plot can be baffling in its redundancy & aimlessness. As a new mutation of noir storytelling, however, there’s something compellingly of-the-moment about its approach, especially once you consider that most of the contemporary audience would be accessing the film via VCR — which comes with its own rewind button and fuzzily worn-out sex scene memories.
As with noir pictures of any age, New Rose Hotel is mostly an exercise in stylistic cool. With a trip-hop score from Schoolly D, a hip Cat Power needle drop, state-of-the-art camcorder tech, and Walken’s jazz-jive deliveries of lines like “He’s as happy as a clam in linguine,” the entire project is all about tracking what’s cool and of-the-moment off the screen, not necessarily what’s happening from scene to scene. Those stylistic indulgences help root it firmly in its era despite its broader noir-throwback tropes, but they also make the film a little vaporous and difficult to hold onto. After its techno-futuristic novelty wears off, the audience spends an alarming amount of time trying to piece together what, exactly, is going on and whether any of it ultimately means anything. To be fair, that’s exactly the state the movie leaves Dafoe’s confused & heartbroken protagonist in, so the effect is presumably somewhat intentional.
I’m a simple man. If Robert De Niro whips out a bazooka in the middle of a car chase, I’m going to cheer like I’m watching sports and my team just scored. If he whips out that bazooka a second time, I’m going to fondly remember that movie for a lifetime, like my team won a championship. There’s something crassly, meatheadedly American about the 1998 espionage thriller Ronin, despite its distinctly European setting. On an intellectual level, there’s nothing any more complex to the film’s international power struggle between The Irish and The Russians on the streets of France than there is between any two teams in a Sunday afternoon NFL game. Both sides struggle for possession of a mysterious briefcase like it’s a football, running it up and down the proverbial field in their European sports cars. The main difference between these two sports, of course, is that the combatants of Ronin are free to fire bullets & missiles at each other in order to score easy points, which is something that would likely appeal to American football audiences if it weren’t for the mess of human causalities it would leave behind.
A lot of people die in Ronin; most of them just happen to be background actors, not main characters. Even Sean Bean manages to survive the vehicular gunfire mayhem, and he’s notorious for playing characters who bite it onscreen. It’s the poor bystanders shopping at fruit stands & fish markets, playing tourist at ancient ruins, and watching innocent figure skating exhibitions who get it the worst here, gunned down while trying to enjoy the Old World backdrop the high-speed gunfights are set against. Robert De Niro stars as the only participant in those gunfights who actively diverts his aim away from those potential victims, often pausing his mission to retrieve the MacGuffin briefcase to save a couple nameless bystanders along the way. He’s characterized as a noble murderer in that way, as indicated by his titular designation as a “ronin,” a masterless samurai who has taken to mercenary work but still abides by the high-minded principles of his disciplined training. So, when he fires a bazooka at a moving car, you know it’s for a just cause, not just because he likes to watch explosions as much as the slack-jawed audience watching at home. That bazooka saves lives, in a counterintuitive way.
Already in his mid-50s by the late-90s, De Niro was starting to appear a little old & creaky for this kind of lone-hero action thriller, which asks him to show off swift warrior reflexes and make out with young ingénues between the more plausible car chase sequences. However, the creakiest aspect of the script is the hero worship that puts him in that position in the first place. Ronin starts as a Reservoir Dogs-style heist plot where several international mercenaries who do not know each other are gathered on one uneasy team, feeling each other out as they put together a plan to retrieve their target MacGuffin. An ex-CIA operative turned masterless samurai, De Niro quickly proves to be the most competent and the most principled of the bunch, humbling the rest of the crew with stock bootstrap phrases like, “You’re either part of the problem, you’re part of the solution, or you’re part of the landscape.” From then on, every single scene is staged in service of making sure we know he is the smartest, toughest, coolest, classiest, handsomest hero to ever drive down the streets of Paris & Nice, while his new partners in crime can only gaze at him in awe. He is the star quarterback, and the rest of the team is only there to make sure he looks good.
Meanwhile, the actual hero of Ronin is director John Frankenheimer, who could’ve directed a cardboard cutout of Robert De Niro to the same thrilling effect. No star quarterback can thrive without the right coach calling the plays. Despite the muted browns & greys of the film’s Old World color scheme, Frankenheimer works overtime to bring an exaggerated cartoon vibrancy to the screen. De Niro’s briefcase-heist team is introduced in cartoonish widescreen closeups in their initial meetings, often framed in exaggerated split-diopter blocking. For the car case set pieces, Frankenheimer straps the camera to the front bumper, inches above the gravel that rushes past the audience to simulate a pure rollercoaster thrill. There’s a Friedkinesque approach to car-chase mayhem here, often driving down impossibly tight alleys and against highway traffic to cause as much demolition derby damage as the budget will allow. It’s unclear to me whether Frankenheimer was hired to direct French Connection II because he had already honed the skills needed to match Friedkin’s car chase expertise or if that’s the project where he learned the craft himself. Either way, he was shooting chases as well as the best of ’em by the time he made Ronin, which really goes the extra mile with its bazooka gags.
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